Posted by Paul Phelps on September 19, 2002 at 10:18:43:
CHURCH LAUGHS
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These announcements have all appeared posted in churches
or in bulletins; they have compositional errors or typos.
1. “Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.”
2. “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.”
3. “Miss Charlene Mason sang, ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.”
4. “Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.”
5. “The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.”
6. “The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus walks on the water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’”
7. “Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.”
8. “Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.”
9. “During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J. F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.”
10. “The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing ‘Break Forth Into Joy.’”
11. “Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.”
12. “Don’t let worry kill you, let the church help.”
13. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.”
14. “At the evening service tonight the sermon topic will be ‘What is hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.”
15. “Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.”
16. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.”
17. “For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.”
18. “Potluck supper Sunday at 5 PM. Prayer and medication to follow.”
19. “The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.”
20. “This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.”
21. “The Low Self Esteem support group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.”
22. “The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement at 7 PM Friday. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.”
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God's blessings in Christ,
Paul Phelps
Email: ei-files@juno.com
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